Decisions, Decisions
How do we know that the decisions we have made are the right ones? Is there a sign that points us in the right direction? Is it called instinct? Is there just something, indefinable, that compels us to make the choices that we make? If we question our decisions does that mean that we did not make the right decision? Does this mean regret? To what extent do we control our own destiny and to what extent is our destiny controlled by the stars? When do we throw up our hands and take a blind leap of faith?
I like stability. I like the security of knowing where my next paycheck is coming from and approximately how much it will be. I consider myself to be careful in making decisions if somewhat impulsive. I make decisions quickly and generally without a second thought. So when I question those decisions I really wonder if I did the right thing.
They say if something is easy then it is not the ‘right thing to do’. Shouldn’t one know immediately if it is right? The difference between right and wrong should be black and white. There should not be any question. And sometimes the hard road isn’t the right one. Many times it doesn’t feel like the right one. Does it mean hurting someone we care deeply for?
I would not deliberately hurt someone I care for, although I know that I have hurt many people that I love. It was not deliberate. I am consumed with guilt when I realize (and many times it takes quite awhile and a smack in the head for me to realize that I have hurt someone). Yet I am very loyal and generous to those that I care for. I can be careless with words and downright bitchy. I rationalize it (or balance) by being generous through material items and actions. I may not let a friend cry on my shoulder but if they need anything, anywhere I would move heaven and earth for them to get it. When someone has hurt someone that I love I will be the first to stand for them.
This seems as though I am trying to convince myself of my attributes. This was not my intention by writing this. My intention was simply to voice my thoughts. These are thoughts that I would very rarely verbally communicate, however by writing them I wonder if people would realize. What is to be realized I do not know. I suppose each person should interpret this in their own way. To me it is an explanation of my actions, and yet a deep reflection of self-doubt. I hope that those who read this will realize that I am human, and not without faults. Hell I probably I have more faults then most. I prefer to embrace my faults and hope that others do as well. You cannot love the surface of something. You must dig deeper. You may not like what you find, however what you find is generally truer, more loyal than anything you could possibly find on the surface.
When emotions run deep the soul yearns. What it years for is unknown. I suppose it really depends on the individual. What some may want (a want so profound that it becomes a necessity) others may scorn. Some need love; others do not but enjoy it while they have it. Some need acceptance. At the heart of it, love and acceptance seem synonymous. To be loved unconditionally comes with acceptance. One cannot have love if they do not have acceptance. Where does the acceptance lie? I believe to answer this one must look to themselves. If one cannot accept their own faults how can they expect another to?
There is a fine line in which all of our emotions are entwined. Each is connected to the other. When one is lucky they balance, each emotion carefully constructed to feed the other. This may sound cold and calculating but it is not. It is simply an observation. Emotions are instinct. They control our reactions to situations and circumstances. Our first reaction is emotion. This is why I use the word constructed. As we experience the curves that life throws at us we learn to control our reactions; to mask the emotion. For some it comes easily. Others will struggle to mask their emotions for most of their lives. I am one of those people. I hate that the expression on my face can generally tell whoever is around the exact thought that crosses my mind. Every mood shift (yes there are several), to every minute detail. It is all on my face, you just need to know where to look.
To close I will try to answer the questions that led to this emotional purging. I believed in the decisions that I had made. Had I made a slight waver one way or the other I would not be who I am today. Something that happened in the past has crept up and fed the insecurity in me. Compare to many others I have led a rather sheltered life. I listen to people and I realize that although if I am in a position to lead, I will and do, I dream a lot more than I do. There are many changes that I wish to make, however I am uncertain about how to go about them. I see now and I see where I want to be, it is the middle that is blurry. Then there are some things where I see the now and wonder what I am going to do with it in the future. Insert blind leap of faith here.
To those who are reading this, I hope this has helped to give you an insight to why I do the things that I do; and also to inspire you. Take from this what you will, use it to make clear decisions in whatever it is that you want from life. Life is short so make the most of the time that you have.